Rock on Robin!

Robin Williams back at rehab facility to ‘fine-tune’ sobriety July 01, 2014

Mental health professionals nationwide are mobilizing to deal with the situation. Temporary staff has been hired to attend to the quicksilver Williams, who requires four times as much labor as typical rehabilitation patients. Counselors who specialize in PTSD treatment have been pulled from counseling wildfire fighters across the nation, as they will be needed to counsel those who are counseling Williams.

Citing confidentiality protocol, no counselors overseeing his case were able to offer comment. Support staff, however, showed less discretion.

“I don’t give a fuck; I’m just a cleaning lady. I ain’t never really gave a shit about getting my work done too quick. But I sure as hell make record time when I do his room. Two minutes tops. I’m thinking like, ‘Just shut the fuck up!’ He’s trying to tell jokes about some Roosevelt bitch, Bill Clinton, and a filling station or some shit like that.

“Honestly, I don’t even do much cleaning anymore for him ever since I threw away a bunch of wadded up toilet paper next to his bed. He flipped out and said that it was the script for his next big movie. He then said in a weird voice, ‘I could use a stiff one right now.’ Then he starts saying, all crazy again, ‘Hey, did you hear the one about Jefferson…’ and I yelled, ‘No! And I don’t want to!’ and got the hell out of there.”

The overnight receptionist was more understanding, but admitted that his incessant calls throughout the night were a little bothersome. “A lot of them involve ‘Na-Nu Na-Nu. This is Mork calling Orson.’ Sometimes he’ll call, crying and apologizing for calling so often. I was actually kind of flattered when he called to tell me he loved me. The only call that really freaked me out was when he would not stop ranting about the bad reviews that Moscow on the Hudson got, blaming it on a feud with some Eggbert guy.”

The receptionist later admitted that she was on suicide watch, and that her Valium dosage had been doubled.

Williams’s entourage, meanwhile, is taking advantage of the break by having a team-building exercise in Iraq. “It’s really calm here, a nice change of pace,” said the Assistant to the Deputy Director of Public Relations.

Keep calm and carry on, everyone.

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