Sick of Being Shut Up and Shut In

Julian Assange will leave embassy ‘soon’

By Justin Moyer; The Washington Post; August 18, 2014

“…Assange, whose organization facilitated the publication of materials leaked by Bradley Manning (now Chelsea Manning), has been in exile at the Ecuadoran embassy in London for more than two years…”

Although banal, Assange has been compiling data for a Wikileak on the embassy’s going-ons. He has released a few excerpts of the revelations:

–“Manuel never washes his hands after using the bathroom. GMWAS.”

–“Maria tells EVERYONE to have a nice day, but everyone knows she’s just a big phony.”

–“Hugo has re-gifted 3 times since I’ve been here. And I’m sure the gift certificates he’s given me are invalid b/c I can’t go out and VERY FUNNY assh*le!”

–“There are hardly any rapeable women here. WTF, Ecuador?!!!”

Nyet!

Swearing off bad language: Russia bans cussing in films, books, music

By Laura Smith-Spark, CNN; May 7, 2014
 
Taping of MTV’s Real World:  Moscow had to be scrapped within five minutes based on this conversation between Kaitlyn and Codi:
“Can you believe they sent us to fucking Russia?  I hate that asshole Gorbachev with the funny thing on his head.”
“OMG, I literally died when I heard about this bullshit.”
“We need to get some more fucking vodka because I can’t deal with this shit.”
“I mean, like, I did see the Rocky movie where he kills the Russian boxer, so I kind of know a little about this place.  Oh, and I read parts of War and Punishment in Honors World Lit.  It was, like, so out there.”
 
When Sarah Palin learned of the aborted project, she said she could see it coming from her house.

The animals were very distressed when the people were rescued

Dozens stranded when SeaWorld ride malfunctions

6.30.2014 SAN DIEGO (AP) — “Dozens of people were stranded more than 200 feet up on a revolving tower at SeaWorld San Diego for hours Sunday when a power failure stalled the ride, authorities said…”

Their temporary loss of a freedom at an aquatic prison for animals seems quite apropos.

One strandee, Willie, commented, “Two of the park workers with us had big bags of Goldfish crackers, but the [maternal fornicators] wouldn’t share unless we did humiliating tricks for them.  My boys had to hold me back from punching the [anus] when he said something about a blowhole.” 

Word choice, people!

Breaking news on Huffpost; 6.30.2014

“Supreme Court Delivers Blow To Unions”

I’m too busy to thoroughly read the item, but what kind of “blow” is being described?  Is it good Columbian or cheap powder cut with baking soda?  Did they all participate in the drop-off?  Roberts doesn’t seem like the guy to be trusted by either party.  On the other hand, unions generally relate to labor and jobs, so maybe something else is being described.  That raises some even more interesting questions.

A long time…

A conversation with my buddy Dan:
 
Dan:  I wonder if the Muslim terrorists have thought something through about their ideology.  When they get their 72 virgins by martyring themselves, each of these virgins will only be virginal once.  So, in the afterlife, their desires to have sex with a virgin will only be good for little more than a month.
 
Me:  I’d never thought of that, but you’re way off on your estimate.  Assuming they weren’t ugly, regular guys could easily go through five of them a day.  These sex-deprived nutcases?  The numbers are probably double.  So they’re only set for a week or two.  Within a couple years or even months, the objects of their desires will have that not-so-tight feeling.
 
D:  Maybe they could ration them out.  One a century.  But we’re still dealing with eternal terms.  Or maybe they miraculously re-virginate themselves.
 
M:  “And Allah said, ‘Let there be hymen’!”  
 
D:  Or maybe they just get new ones cycled in.
 
M:  “Here’s your new batch of bitches, Abdul.  Try to take it easy, though, because I’ve got other heroes who blew up buses to think of.”
 
D:  Are they heavenly virgins or ones who died on earth while they were virgins?
 
M:  Right!  Because if you’re an attractive girl or woman, you’re gonna’ get fucked or maybe even raped by age 30.
 
D:  And does the Koran specify that they’re female virgins?  I’m sure there’s a lot more male virgins.
 
M:  Yeah, like “Here’s your 72 virgins:  10 infidel girls, 10 true Muslims,” assuming that prepubescent girls are precluded, “and most of the rest are pimply-faced Trekkies.”
 
D:  Hey!  You know I like Star Trek.
 
I arch my eyebrow suggestively.
 
D:  Ha ha.  But I’ve never been to a convention or anything. 
 
M:  Deh noy ta Klingon?
 
D:  I know you don’t, but no, I never tried to learn Klingon.
 
M:  Shit, until a couple years ago I thought Klingon had to do with fabric softener marketing.
 
D:  I do know that you’re a Star Wars nerd.
 
M:  That I am.  I’ve even seen the scene that was cut from Return of the Jedi, where the Princess gets Leia-ed by Han Solo and Luke.  It’s known in the on-line forums as “The III-Way of Episode VI.”
 
D:  Oh brother.
 
M:  Yeah, and it was after she found out about that.  Yoda and Obi-Wan are watching and high-fiving each other.  And when Leia’s mouth starts to cramp up, Obi-Wan says, “Luke, use your Force on the Dark Side.”
 
D:  Geez.  You’re so sick I know you won’t be getting any virgins in Paradise.  You’ll be losing your anal virginity to demons.
 
M:  Thanks for assuming I still had it.  But you know how desperate I get for a drink sometimes.
 
D:  Uh, I think I’m breaking up with you as a friend.  I don’t want you coming after my Light Saber.
 
M:  Don’t worry, dude.  You’re too C-3PO for me; I’m more of a Chewbacca type of guy.
 
He attempts a groan of the Chewy type, but falls far short.

I’d even stay away from trains and automobiles, too

No relation, but there’s a young lady named “Amelia Earhart” who is seeking to replicate and presumably complete the famed aviator’s solo flight around the world.  If I had a name like that, would be the absolute last vocation I would consider.  I’d stick with something safer, like circus acrobat or Dick Cheney’s hunting partner.

George W. Bush said, “These kids just has to, they got to tough it out like I did during the Vietnam War, the Vietnam Conflict, where I didn’t, didn’t use any family connecting to keep me out of harm’s way. Heh-heh.”

Obamas want daughters to get taste of life on minimum wage

By Roberta Rampton; Reuters;

WASHINGTON, June 20 (Reuters) – “President Barack Obama and wife Michelle both worked minimum-wage jobs before they got law degrees: a character-building experience they said they also want their teenage daughters to share…”

They will be like virtually every other American youngster, knowing that they have to go home at the end of the night.  They will be treated like any other McWorker on the job, just trying to keep the family afloat.  What boss would give them preferential treatment? 

One Participant Who Let the Word “Fabulous” Escape His Lips Was Immediately Stoned to Death

March for Marriage: Proclaiming God’s law and the Bible, thousands march in Washington to reclaim traditional marriage

By Ivey DeJesus | pennlive.com; 6.19.2014

“Proponents of traditional marriage on Thursday took their message to Washington to urge lawmakers and judges to defend what they said is a God-ordained institution…”

Thank God my fellow straights are finally sticking up for our rights!  I, for one, am sick of having to have sex with gay men in the name of political correctness.  I’ve even been forced to marry a few!

Relatedly, is playing with Barbie dolls a sign of latent male homosexuality?

CIA Toyed With Idea of Osama bin Laden Doll to ‘Turn Afghan Children from Leader’

The CIA developed prototypes for an Osama bin Laden action figure in 2005.

by Mary Kay Mallonee | CNN | June 19, 2014

“The CIA has revealed it once considered creating and using a very different type of weapon in the fight against terrorism: a doll.

“An Osama bin Laden action figure with an evil-looking face.

“The spy agency began quietly developing the bin Laden doll in 2005, as first reported by The Washington Post, and recruited the help of the former head of the Hasbro toy company, Donald Levine.

“The CIA’s proposed plan, according to the newspaper, was to produce the dolls, with their bright red faces and spooky green eyes, and hand them out to children in Afghanistan in hopes of turning them away from the al Qaeda leader…”

Would these kids be familiar enough with Star Wars to recognize that the bottom center one resembles baddie Darth Maul?  It’s immaterial, because the CIA would be just as likely to actually create a likeness of bin Laden as they would be to create the real one qua terrorist mastermind.  Yeah right.  We’re probably also supposed to believe that his death on 5.2.2011 was staged.