They’re even painted red, white, and blue!

Qureshi Donates Tennis Wheelchairs To Iraq

Two Double Faults

Roger Federer and wife welcome ‘miracle’ second set of twins

Reuters; 07 May 2014

The SMSM (Sentimental Mainstream Media) celebrates this “blessing.”  I will probably never give birth, but logic tells me that having twins would be approximately twice as painful as pushing out one.  I spoke with Mrs. R-Fed recently–we go way back–and she revealed that she was not at all happy about this.

“Thanks a lot ‘Mr. Greatest of All Time.’  I’ve not only got to do the most painful thing I’ve ever done–AGAIN!–but then have to raise these fucking kids alone.  Because what will he be doing?  Travelling around the world, playing a stupid game.

“The first time I was understanding.  I said, ‘Honey, I know you’re a grass court specialist and all, but stop driving your ball so deep into mine!  Why don’t you focus on the clay more?’

“The asshole, he’s like, ‘Oh, no, no.  The brown stuff, too dirty.  Too much clean up.  I don’t like the long play.  Hard work and don’t really know what doing.’

“This time, I said he had two options:  either he works on his stroke more, or take some lessons from his good friend Tiger.  If not, we’re Wimble-done.

“And I know someone who knows what I want.”

Andre Agassi picks Rafael Nadal ahead of Roger Federer as tennis's greatest all-time player


Maybe he should just say he’s been hanging out with the snowboarders a lot

NBC Olympics anchor Bob Costas’ eye infection looks a whole lot worse

By  2/11/2014 Fourth-Place Medal

He’s in Russia, so his communist tendencies are just manifesting themselves through his red eyes.
He did gush about this Soviet image:

And he’s already shown himself to be a gun grabber.
“NBC Sports anchor Bob Costas says it was a ‘mistake’ to mention gun control on air Sunday in discussing the murder-suicide committed by Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher…” (Scott M. Gleeson, USA Today, December 4, 2012)

Stiff Competitors

Judge says young lady may continue to wrestle By Duane Good, EDITOR, Upper Dauphin Sentinel

WILLIAMSPORT • “For the time being, a female seventh-grader in the Line Mountain School District may continue to be a member of the previously all-male junior high wrestling team…”

To maintain their obvious physical edge and keep their focus, the coach is demanding that the teenage boys masturbate four times before wrestling her.

Let’s have a little pax


U.N. to Enter Debate Over Redskins’ Name
January 24, 2014

“The leader of the Oneida Indian Nation is going to the United Nations today to complain about the name of the Washington Redskins football team…”

Certain European members and the US have floated the idea of a blanket giveaway to the traditionalist fans of the name as it is.  A Redskins fan scoffed, saying, “No fuckin’ way we’re falling for that again!”

Maybe if they’re successful, they could defuse the tension between these two groups:


these folks:

Clumsy (Anton Yelchin), Grouchy (George Lopez) and Vanity (John Oliver) in “The Smurfs 2” 


Others Are Perplexed When a Non-Kicker Seemingly Asks For a Bag of Tees

Turning Eli Manning’s footballs into ‘precious jewels’

by Daily Tech Whip

“…Balls are rubbed ‘vigorously’ for 45 minutes, scoured with a wet towel until thoroughly sodden, brushed, and then spun on a wheel to prepare them for another ‘high-speed scrubbing.’

“…Joe Skiba says ‘no one is allowed to touch those balls. They’re precious jewels’…”

I always detected a slight taint, if you will, of homoeroticism in purportedly macho endeavors.  All this attention that other men pay to Manning’s family jewels does not discourage this notion.

And Bobby’s Mama was right,


While E. You Were Shitting Your Shorts

If you thought he was incompetent before, these were cross country runners.  They weren’t running on roads.  I think good old Wile E. needs help.

Arizona runners get unexpected challenger in state championship race: A coyote   

The Arizona state championship cross country race, complete with an unwanted intruder — Twitter

The Arizona state championship cross country race, complete with an unwanted intruder — Twitter

“Top runners often need special motivation to reach their goals. Some of Arizona’s best prep cross country athletes got that and more during the Arizona Interscholastic Association Cross Country State Championships.

As reported by the Arizona Republic and Runners World, among other outlets, a coyote jumped into the middle of the race course between the two front runners during the AIA championship race at Cave Creek Golf Course in Phoenix. According to Runners World, at one point the coyote nearly pulled even with the race leader, Catalina Foothills High (Phoenix) senior Harvey Nelson…”

An ACME spokesperson declined to comment.

What if he had gone with “Dante?” Or “Whitener?”

Donte Whitner says he is legally changing his last name to ‘Hitner’                  

“Whitner said he’s changing his name to Donte Hitner. He has been pushing the #LegalHitner hashtag on Twitter (complete with T-shirts bearing the phrase) as the NFL tries to crack down on his hard-hitting style.”
All the Jewish football players are terrified.

And the Poles aren’t that thrilled either.


Prisoner Reform

O.J. Simpson gets busted in prison for trying to sneak oatmeal cookies back to his cell

 Frank Schwab    Shutdown Corner                                           

(Getty Images)

This is progress for The Juice.  He devolved from murder to armed robbery to stealing cookies.  I predict his next escapade will be something along the lines of failing to return the prison library’s books on time.