Roger Federer and wife welcome ‘miracle’ second set of twins
Reuters; 07 May 2014
The SMSM (Sentimental Mainstream Media) celebrates this “blessing.” I will probably never give birth, but logic tells me that having twins would be approximately twice as painful as pushing out one. I spoke with Mrs. R-Fed recently–we go way back–and she revealed that she was not at all happy about this.
“Thanks a lot ‘Mr. Greatest of All Time.’ I’ve not only got to do the most painful thing I’ve ever done–AGAIN!–but then have to raise these fucking kids alone. Because what will he be doing? Travelling around the world, playing a stupid game.
“The first time I was understanding. I said, ‘Honey, I know you’re a grass court specialist and all, but stop driving your ball so deep into mine! Why don’t you focus on the clay more?’
“The asshole, he’s like, ‘Oh, no, no. The brown stuff, too dirty. Too much clean up. I don’t like the long play. Hard work and don’t really know what doing.’
“This time, I said he had two options: either he works on his stroke more, or take some lessons from his good friend Tiger. If not, we’re Wimble-done.
“And I know someone who knows what I want.”
Charlie Strong won’t allow his players to throw up the ‘hook ’em horns’ yet
Brendan Maloney / USA TODAY Sports
Satan has expressed extreme displeasure with the announcement, declaring he will probably support Texas A&M for the foreseeable future.
From the Satanic Bible
Judge says young lady may continue to wrestle By Duane Good, EDITOR, Upper Dauphin Sentinel
WILLIAMSPORT • “For the time being, a female seventh-grader in the Line Mountain School District may continue to be a member of the previously all-male junior high wrestling team…”
To maintain their obvious physical edge and keep their focus, the coach is demanding that the teenage boys masturbate four times before wrestling her.
U.N. to Enter Debate Over Redskins’ Name
January 24, 2014
“The leader of the Oneida Indian Nation is going to the United Nations today to complain about the name of the Washington Redskins football team…”
Certain European members and the US have floated the idea of a blanket giveaway to the traditionalist fans of the name as it is. A Redskins fan scoffed, saying, “No fuckin’ way we’re falling for that again!”
Maybe if they’re successful, they could defuse the tension between these two groups:
Turning Eli Manning’s footballs into ‘precious jewels’
by Daily Tech Whip
“…Balls are rubbed ‘vigorously’ for 45 minutes, scoured with a wet towel until thoroughly sodden, brushed, and then spun on a wheel to prepare them for another ‘high-speed scrubbing.’
“…Joe Skiba says ‘no one is allowed to touch those balls. They’re precious jewels’…”
I always detected a slight taint, if you will, of homoeroticism in purportedly macho endeavors. All this attention that other men pay to Manning’s family jewels does not discourage this notion.
And Bobby’s Mama was right,