“I only have Myself to blame.”

‘God (hearts) sex,’ Pa. church billboard touts: Agree?

 

god-loves-sex-billboard-pa.jpg
A non-denominational church is creating quite a stir in Wilkes-Barre with its striking billboard, erected Wednesday, that touts that God loves sex. (screen shot/WNEP-16)
John Luciew; The Patriot-News; August 28, 2014 at 9:04 AM

“Monotheism kind of sucks,” the Almighty commented.
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Nimrods

Iraq jihadists blow up ‘Jonah’s tomb’ in Mosul: official
AFP–July 24, 2014
 
“After a couple days in the big fish, I could not rest in my grave for millennia.  I finally get start to get over my claustrophobia and chill out a bit, and then this happens.  Oy vey.”

New World Math

Afghanistan elections: Abdullah Abdullah claims victory in presidential run-off vote amid fraud allegations – despite Ashraf Ghani being declared winner
 
Amir Shah , Rahim Faiez; Tuesday 08 July 2014; The Independent
 
I’m skeptical of this guy, because he seems like someone who would double count votes that were in his favor.  I posted my concern on his Facebook wall–which, oddly, lacks any pictures of faces–and he replied, “What’s what’s wrong wrong with with that that?”

A long time…

A conversation with my buddy Dan:
 
Dan:  I wonder if the Muslim terrorists have thought something through about their ideology.  When they get their 72 virgins by martyring themselves, each of these virgins will only be virginal once.  So, in the afterlife, their desires to have sex with a virgin will only be good for little more than a month.
 
Me:  I’d never thought of that, but you’re way off on your estimate.  Assuming they weren’t ugly, regular guys could easily go through five of them a day.  These sex-deprived nutcases?  The numbers are probably double.  So they’re only set for a week or two.  Within a couple years or even months, the objects of their desires will have that not-so-tight feeling.
 
D:  Maybe they could ration them out.  One a century.  But we’re still dealing with eternal terms.  Or maybe they miraculously re-virginate themselves.
 
M:  “And Allah said, ‘Let there be hymen’!”  
 
D:  Or maybe they just get new ones cycled in.
 
M:  “Here’s your new batch of bitches, Abdul.  Try to take it easy, though, because I’ve got other heroes who blew up buses to think of.”
 
D:  Are they heavenly virgins or ones who died on earth while they were virgins?
 
M:  Right!  Because if you’re an attractive girl or woman, you’re gonna’ get fucked or maybe even raped by age 30.
 
D:  And does the Koran specify that they’re female virgins?  I’m sure there’s a lot more male virgins.
 
M:  Yeah, like “Here’s your 72 virgins:  10 infidel girls, 10 true Muslims,” assuming that prepubescent girls are precluded, “and most of the rest are pimply-faced Trekkies.”
 
D:  Hey!  You know I like Star Trek.
 
I arch my eyebrow suggestively.
 
D:  Ha ha.  But I’ve never been to a convention or anything. 
 
M:  Deh noy ta Klingon?
 
D:  I know you don’t, but no, I never tried to learn Klingon.
 
M:  Shit, until a couple years ago I thought Klingon had to do with fabric softener marketing.
 
D:  I do know that you’re a Star Wars nerd.
 
M:  That I am.  I’ve even seen the scene that was cut from Return of the Jedi, where the Princess gets Leia-ed by Han Solo and Luke.  It’s known in the on-line forums as “The III-Way of Episode VI.”
 
D:  Oh brother.
 
M:  Yeah, and it was after she found out about that.  Yoda and Obi-Wan are watching and high-fiving each other.  And when Leia’s mouth starts to cramp up, Obi-Wan says, “Luke, use your Force on the Dark Side.”
 
D:  Geez.  You’re so sick I know you won’t be getting any virgins in Paradise.  You’ll be losing your anal virginity to demons.
 
M:  Thanks for assuming I still had it.  But you know how desperate I get for a drink sometimes.
 
D:  Uh, I think I’m breaking up with you as a friend.  I don’t want you coming after my Light Saber.
 
M:  Don’t worry, dude.  You’re too C-3PO for me; I’m more of a Chewbacca type of guy.
 
He attempts a groan of the Chewy type, but falls far short.

DIY Religion

Priestly robes, books stolen from church, 3 arrested

By Crimesider Staff; CBS News; June 19, 2014

“GARDNER, Mass. – What would three young men want with priestly robes, books and other items from a church in central Massachusetts? Police in the town of Gardner aren’t saying, exactly – but they and the clergy of St. Joseph Catholic Church are just glad they got everything back, according to CBS Boston.

“Rev. Thomas Tokarz, of St. Joseph Catholic Church, said that on Friday the 13th, someone broke through a back window and then into a downstairs office. He said what was stolen was not locked up – religious books, candle holders, and ornate robes used for mass.

“‘They probably could have taken the chalices, but they didn’t. They took the vestments, which means nothing to them. The only one who can wear them are priests’,” Tokarz told the station.

“The specific items have no value on the open market.

“Officers reportedly found all the items when they responded to a call about a man running through an abandoned building wearing priestly robes…”

I’d really like to meet these three guys who wanted to play religion.  Were they trying to start a breakaway sect?  Wanted to add a sacred element to drinking wine in an abandominium?  Or were they just careless assholes?

 

Osiris defended the soldiers, saying “That bitch is crazy!”

Humiliation at rout hits Iraqi military hard

AP–By HAMZA HENDAWI and QASSIM ABDUL-ZAHRA 6.18.2014

BAGHDAD (AP) — “The Iraqi soldiers tell of how they can hardly live with the shame of their rout under the onslaught of the Islamic militants. Their commanders disappeared. Pleas for more ammunition went unanswered. Troops ran from post to post only to find them already taken by gunmen, forcing them to flee…”

“…one lieutenant-colonel who escaped the militants’ sweep over the northern city of Mosul told The Associated Press. ‘I am as broken and ashamed as a bride who is not a virgin on her wedding night’…”

An ISIS spokesman responded, “And we will kill you just like we would her.”