A conversation with my buddy Dan:
Dan: I wonder if the Muslim terrorists have thought something through about their ideology. When they get their 72 virgins by martyring themselves, each of these virgins will only be virginal once. So, in the afterlife, their desires to have sex with a virgin will only be good for little more than a month.
Me: I’d never thought of that, but you’re way off on your estimate. Assuming they weren’t ugly, regular guys could easily go through five of them a day. These sex-deprived nutcases? The numbers are probably double. So they’re only set for a week or two. Within a couple years or even months, the objects of their desires will have that not-so-tight feeling.
D: Maybe they could ration them out. One a century. But we’re still dealing with eternal terms. Or maybe they miraculously re-virginate themselves.
M: “And Allah said, ‘Let there be hymen’!”
D: Or maybe they just get new ones cycled in.
M: “Here’s your new batch of bitches, Abdul. Try to take it easy, though, because I’ve got other heroes who blew up buses to think of.”
D: Are they heavenly virgins or ones who died on earth while they were virgins?
M: Right! Because if you’re an attractive girl or woman, you’re gonna’ get fucked or maybe even raped by age 30.
D: And does the Koran specify that they’re female virgins? I’m sure there’s a lot more male virgins.
M: Yeah, like “Here’s your 72 virgins: 10 infidel girls, 10 true Muslims,” assuming that prepubescent girls are precluded, “and most of the rest are pimply-faced Trekkies.”
D: Hey! You know I like Star Trek.
I arch my eyebrow suggestively.
D: Ha ha. But I’ve never been to a convention or anything.
M: Deh noy ta Klingon?
D: I know you don’t, but no, I never tried to learn Klingon.
M: Shit, until a couple years ago I thought Klingon had to do with fabric softener marketing.
D: I do know that you’re a Star Wars nerd.
M: That I am. I’ve even seen the scene that was cut from Return of the Jedi, where the Princess gets Leia-ed by Han Solo and Luke. It’s known in the on-line forums as “The III-Way of Episode VI.”
D: Oh brother.
M: Yeah, and it was after she found out about that. Yoda and Obi-Wan are watching and high-fiving each other. And when Leia’s mouth starts to cramp up, Obi-Wan says, “Luke, use your Force on the Dark Side.”
D: Geez. You’re so sick I know you won’t be getting any virgins in Paradise. You’ll be losing your anal virginity to demons.
M: Thanks for assuming I still had it. But you know how desperate I get for a drink sometimes.
D: Uh, I think I’m breaking up with you as a friend. I don’t want you coming after my Light Saber.
M: Don’t worry, dude. You’re too C-3PO for me; I’m more of a Chewbacca type of guy.
He attempts a groan of the Chewy type, but falls far short.