When Crime Doesn’t Pay (Anymore)

I had a good run with it, but my work summarizing scholarly books and articles in the field of sociological criminology has come to an end.  For the time being, I will have to relearn the art of being broke.  I already know I can (for the most part) quit drinking; I’ll just have to use this as an opportunity to say “Adieu” to a 25-year smoking habit.  (It’s a wonder just typing that doesn’t make me short of breath.)
 
I’ve always been interested in the social sciences, but the emphasis on relatively advanced statistics was new for me.  It appealed to my predilection to think in terms of numbers and their relations to other numbers.  Just last night, I found myself wondering what the findings of a comparative bivariate analysis between speakers’ rate and volume of speech would disclose.  Then, I fabulized a more thorough multivariate study that also factored in pitch, tone, audience composition, medium, environment, and speakers’ educational levels. 
 
If I ever return to academia as a student, it will most certainly be in philosophy and/or religion.  The specificity of our quantification there rarely exceeds the categories of “All,” “Most,” “Some,” or “None.”  Yet, for now, here’s some rethinking I’ll have to do:
 
    “Mean” will revert primarily to its adjectival sense.  A “Mean Average” will no longer be a redundancy, but rather refer to a bitchy girl of so-so attractiveness.  Do you know what I mean?
 
    “Standard Deviation” will denote an approximate boundary between abnormal and outright crazy behavior.
 
    I will understand “Coefficient” as the opposite of “Codependent.”  If I’m in a codependent relationship, one of us needs the other.  If we’re coefficient, however, we’re gettin’ ‘er done.
 
    “Maximum?”  As an overdoer, there is no such thing.  “Minimum?”  Time to step it up, baby.
 
    A “Dummy Variable” will be something to take into account when I roll with certain associates.  As in, “What is this stupid asshole going to do next?”
 
    Since I already act like a big kid, “Regression” will mean I’m operating in my normal mode of being.  “Advanced Regression” will mean that I’ve drunk myself to an infantile stage.  (There’s lots of stains involved.)
 
    I will cease looking at hills, mountains, and manmade pile and thinking, “That resembles fairly closely a ‘Bell-Shaped Distribution,’ with asymmetry occurring near the y-axis.”
 
    A “Box Model” will involve classifying different homeless people’s living arrangements.
 
    “Control Groups” are just power trippers, man.
 
    “Joint Probability”:  Is this guy holding out on me?  Spark it up!
 
Such mental recalibration will be difficult, but I am ambivalent about one thing in all the criminology items I read:  there was never a how-to guide.

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