Let’s All Work Together

Many of the bloggers on WordPress are aspiring writers and artists, looking for that lucky break.  As one of the former, I need an agent or publisher to say, “Let’s roll with this, and here’s your exorbitant advance.”
I’m not much into sci-fi/fantasy, but Star Wars is a notable exception.  This may sound delusional, but with Yoda as my witness, I have a slight sense of The Force.  Physically and athletically, I sometimes just demonstrate those abilities.  I also have a tad of intuition (from the psychological perspective) and even ESP (the mystical aspect).
However, I haven’t really gotten the hang of the Jedi Mind Trick, of bending others’ will to my own.  If I did, I would be married to Jennifer Lawrence now (with Kristen Wiig as my mistress on the side).  And my two books would be published, and my presence at book signings and on Oprah et al. would guarantee huge sales.  I’m sure anyone reading this is in the same boat.
There’s got to be some lamas and yogis in the Indian area who have mastered these techniques, but I’m kind of too busy right now to go off trekking to the Himalayas.  I’m also a smoker who couldn’t handle the elevations, not to mention a meat and potatoes guy who wouldn’t stomach the diet.  And while I’ve studied Buddhism academically, I don’t think the monks would like my style.
It pains me to say this as a liberal arts guy, but we need the help of science.  Surely the government can employ mind control (see MK Ultra, as just one example), but they ain’t sharing. 
So what we need are the brains of science-y people to concoct a drug that allows us to bypass the agent process, walk directly into publishing
houses, stealthily dose the execs, and walk out with not just a deal but a huge signing bonus.  Do any readers know of such people that could collaborate on such a project?  For my part, one of my old tennis buddies is a pharmacist, another a chemist, so I could put feelers out to them.  I also know a number of criminals who could train us in methods to get away with such endeavors.
En masse, it would wreck the market if too many people got ahold of this, but there’s not that many people that read this blog. 
If–nay, when–we succeed, I’m sure we’ll look back at our current travails and laugh.  Then I’m off to Hollywood to pursue Mses. Lawrence and Wiig.  Once drugged, they will surely lift the restraining orders.

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