“Shorter of breath/And one day closer to death”

One of the lines I frequently quote is “Two weeks” from The Money Pit, the movie about a mansion’s restoration that goes horribly awry.  It becomes an ongoing joke that such and such will be done in “two weeks,” estimates that repeatedly get extended to absurdly long lengths of time.

In my life–and I’m sure I’m not unique here–I’ve had many such “two weeks” periods, through both others’ and my own faults.

“When do you think,” I would press a temp service employee, “work may pick up?”

“We think within ‘two weeks,’ Mr. Willard.”

“Hey Dude, when’s your book gonna’ be done?”

“Definitely within ‘two weeks,’ probably sooner.”

“Did you do that open mic comedy thing this weekend?”

“I didn’t make it, but there’s another one in ‘two weeks’.”

And so on.

The only time I take “two weeks” literally anymore is when it comes to the duration of a major tennis tournament, and even then the commentators revel in the pretention of referring to the period as a “fortnight.”  And if it’s Wimbledon, taking place as it does in rainy England, forget about it.

Currently, I expect my cousin to finish the website for my online writing consultation business in about “two weeks.”  I cannot complain about the progress, of course, because he is a very busy man who is being very generous.  The delay actually suits me quite well, because I was supposed to have been done querying agents for my second book “two weeks” ago.

Just like with the books, this endeavor is a crapshoot, a roll of the dice.  However, if it even yields one dollar, I’m going to start referring to myself as “CEO” and “President,” dropping phrases like “my company” and “my employees” as casually as I would the days of the week.

I may even start affecting obnoxious airs, making it a point to send back food at restaurants and not bothering to push in my chair when I leave.  I might just act condescendingly in general, releasing the latent asshole that my nice guy persona has largely kept at bay my whole life.

At any rate, it’s time for this dirty white boy to get his share.

In “two weeks.”

 

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